My Game

My Game

Natalie Hidalgo

 

I sit across from Him at the table, and the Game is about to begin. It’s not hard, really, a child’s game…I just have to look into his eyes and not look away.

How long can I last this time?

I know the odds are not in my favor, but still, I play—I can’t help it. I have to get ready, breathe. He squeezes my hands. I’m not sure if it is to give me courage or to let me know that it’s time.

It’s my game… my time with Him alone. I’m ready. . .

I look into the eyes of Jesus.

 

Excitement. Heart racing.

Fear, Shame, Memories, Crash over me in waves.

Nowhere to hide…He SEEKS me through the windows of my soul. He knows all that there is to know. 

Intimate, Exposed, Naked, Lost…

“You are not lost, Beloved.” His tender voice brings me back to the game.

I breathe. Eyes wide in Awe. Humble, Blushing Adoration.

“Oh Lord…” My voice breaks.

Infinite sorrow, shame, and self-hatred come back in accusation…

I waver. My eyes fill up with tears and spill over. This is where I always give up.

Look away, run, hide, end the game. . .

He squeezes my hand and holds my gaze, willing me to linger.

“Breathe Beloved… Please don’t leave. Hang on a little longer…” He whispers.

I’m Afraid. So Unworthy…

“Why are you afraid darling? You are so greatly loved.” He reminds me with a smile, giving me the courage to look into the windows of His soul, SEEKING, and His Grace washes over me.

I am Cherished. Loved. Valued. I find Joy, the JOY of the LORD bubbles up inside.

Leaning closer to Him, losing self…. I worship. Eyes Open. My Life, My love, My God.

“My Jesus,” I whisper, gripping his hand.

For a second We are One, through and through and His name is a whisper between us.

Suddenly Self-aware… I look away. Darn. He wins again.

He lifts my face and tenderly kisses my forehead. “Good game Beloved.”

I smile. I sigh.  Perhaps I’ll do better next time.

“Go again?” He asks with his hands outstretched.

“Oh yeah.” I reach out and he takes my hands in his. Game on!

I know the odds are not in my favor, but still, I play—I can’t help it. I have to get ready, breathe. He squeezes my hands. I’m not sure if it is to give me courage or to let me know that it’s time.

It’s my game… my time with Him alone. I’m ready. . .

I look into the eyes of Jesus. . .

 

 

Natalie